Journal Writing 5

I believe that everyone has their own depressions, something that keeps haunting us, and no matter how hard we try to get rid of it, it just won't go away....:( Let's admit it. We all did our best to fight against bad feelings, stresses, mental disorder, melancholy---- all the things you can think of. But turns out, it was useless and futile. Why is it so hard to not think negatively, why is it so hard to not to put ourselves into that abyss of endless vicious cycle? 

Sometimes part of me knows that I am about to lose control, but the other part of me is persuading me to hang in a little bit longer. It's a platitude to say that "hang in there, and you will get over it."

To see the ebb and flow of life, to embrace the transitory nature of human being. We are human beings. Being a human is an onerous task. We start from an extremely pure state, and as our journey goes on, we gain myriads of miscellaneous sights, people and experiences. We are told to hold good morals, yet it is human who creates the notion of morals. We are told to eat healthy, to control what kind of food we eat, yet it is human who creates unhealthy food. We set the rules, and we break the rules. We were all born like a pure, stainless white paper. Is the meaning of life wants us to remain as pure as possible, or it wants us to gain as many colors as possible?

When onslaught of depression hits me, I crave, I cry, I feel insecure, I feel suffocated, I feel my mind is piled up with innumerable negative thoughts, which even gives me an impulse to commit suicide.

What exactly it is, the meaning of life, has remained unresolved and will never be resolved. The environment is capricious, and our minds are too. But mankind do possess one miracle, and that is we have the ability to create one piece of meaning respectively to each moment of our life that is worth remembering.

Maybe we are meant to feel sad, to encounter cascades of negative thoughts because each time after we feel sad, we are given the chance to smile more joyfully; each time after being surrounded by depression, we are proven stronger than we thought we were.